(Satire) Breaking News: "Oberlin announces campus security to be bolstered by 'Django Patrols'"

03/07/2013

Artist’s conception of
Oberlin’s new security force

OBERLIN, OH — After a spate of nationally publicized racist hate crimes during February’s Black History Month, which runs until March 10th on this progressive campus, Oberlin College announced today that it was bolstering campus security with "Django Patrols." Unemployed black victims of structural racism are being bused in from Cleveland, handed six-shooters, and told to shoot first, ask questions later if they see any white racists.

The response among experts was highly positive.

Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association, replied, "Now that’s the kind of proactive institutional creativity we've been talking about: pro-responsible gun ownership and anti-racism! What could possibly go wrong?"

Quentin Tarantino, who won a Best Writer Oscar last week for his screenplay of Django Unchained, faxed back a hand-printed note reading, "Im like wow! Remember that seen in Balcazars awsome spahggeti westurn Jesse Doe’snt Forgiv — He KKKill!? Well, this is just like that only like mor so, you now?!"

Oberlin grad Lena Dunham, star of HBO’s "Girls," used all of Twitter’s 140 character limit to enthuse, "Hey Obies, Oberlin’s diverse anti-patriarchal revolutionary yet comfortable and accepting climate is treasured forever in my heart, but ar"

Articulate movie star Christoph Waltz, who earned the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for playing Django Freeman’s mentor in mayhem, Dr. King Schultz, issued a quadrilingual statement of praise that, unfortunately, exceeded in size all available disk storage options. Requests for a manageable excerpt had not been returned as of press time, despite multiple calls to Waltz’s longtime publicist, Christopher Dorner.

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